Peaceniks ask Superman to Turn Back Time

April 1st, 2003

 

CLEVELAND- In a last-ditch effort to avoid war, members of the social action group Think Peace have called on Christopher Reeve of Superman fame to step into the phone booth once again.

In 1995, a paralyzing fall halted Reeve's career-- until last September, when the rehabilitated hero stunned the world with a miraculous recovery. Now as bombs fall on Iraq, desperate activists are asking the man of steel to take to the skies. "Reeves can save the world like he saved Margot Kidder," explained Think Peace director Saxton Robee.

Apparently this is no flight of fancy. According to Matthew Broderick, star of the 1996 film Infinity (on the life of physicist Richard Feynman), the idea makes perfect sense. "As demonstrated in Superman I, sufficient acceleration applied counter to the earth's rotation has been known to reverse time's arrow. A similar but less impressive feat was performed by God at the battle of Gibeon (Joshua 10:1-15). But given a pair of tights and flying abilities, there's really nothing to it."

Feynman (Broderick), who presided over the Challenger investigation, did have reservations. "It's true that in the 25 years since Superman I was released, ozone depletion has exceeded 63 percent. Ionospheric friction could cause Reeve's synthetic garments to ignite, much like the space shuttle Columbia. That may be more than even a Kryptonian can bear."

When asked about the danger of a sequelless debacle, a mild-mannered Reeve turned adamant. "To preserve the American way of life-- and end annoying emails-- that's a risk I'm prepared to take."

While supporters outside the DC press room chanted, "you don't mess with the S," Robee was somewhat more prudent. "Should Superman fail, we are prepared to invite Zod, Ursa, and Non from Superman II to reoccupy the White House. They were considerably less destructive than the current occupants."

When asked how motion pictures could possibly override reality, War Games veteran Broderick pondered, "what's the difference?"

The event airs on the Fox network next Tuesday.